Ever been in a situation where you wanted a hug or a handwritten letter from your loved one but instead got a gift or cash? This happens quite a bit, not because they don’t care enough but often because they probably don’t know what makes you feel loved. They don’t know your ‘Love Language’.

Author Dr Gary Chapman wrote about the different ways couples express and experience love. The same concept is also applicable to other relationships – with one’s children and even parents, siblings, friends and other loved ones!

According to Chapman, there are five different love languages, and each person typically has one primary and one secondary love language. People tend to give or express love in the way they themselves would like to receive it, whereas to build better relationships we need to express love in a way the other person understands and values. While you read the descriptions below, try to identify your preferred love language as well as that of your loved ones.

The 5 love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation. This could be a loving text, note or email; telling your loved one how proud you are of them, praising something they have done or even a random “I love you” are examples of words of affirmation. Someone who speaks this language would express their affection verbally and would also like to hear how important they are, how they are appreciated etc. in words.
    
2. Quality time. Spending time alone together, uninterrupted leisure time with your loved one, watching a movie or a web series together, vacations together or just hanging around together doing nothing specific! People with this love language want undivided attention, meaningful conversations and shared recreational activities.
    
3. Acts of service. This love language states that “Actions speaks louder than words.” Doing some of the chores, walking the dog, cooking them a meal, giving them uninterrupted time to watch TV, helping the kids with their homework  - these are all ways that express care. They should, of course, be done with positivity and the right objective. Doing these acts with bitterness or out of obligation wouldn’t meet your partner’s or your need for love.
    
4. Gifts. Buying them flowers or plants, or something that they’ve been wanting for a while. Seems simple, right? You don’t always have to buy gifts - you could also make them, like a greeting card, paintings, crafts, a video, etc. Send a surprise package, buy them something just because. The key is the thought that goes into buying something that you think your loved one would appreciate.
    
5. Physical touch. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, putting your hand around them, sexual intimacy, giving them a head massage, cuddling, snuggling are some examples of physical touch. For the person to feel appreciated, loved and comforted it’s important to be aware of the person’s comfort level. Remember to communicate, give and get consent.

Your love language can also change situationally. For instance, if you’ve had a bad day at work, you may prefer a hot cup of coffee rather than an encouraging talk. The key is to communicate and ask what your partner needs, and then put it into action.

Bottom line: Your loved one has probably expressed what they want and how they want to be loved. So, pay attention.

With love,

ResilienceWorks