Cheating. Most people would associate that term with sexual infidelity and would assume that as long as there is no sexual contact, they are not cheating. However cheating comes in many forms. As bad as sexual infidelity is, even emotional infidelity can leave the partner feeling betrayed and deceived. Emotional infidelity takes place when a person is emotionally closer to a friend or someone outside their marriage or significant relationship. They share emotional support and companionship with each other, which exceeds the emotional support and companionship in the marriage.

It is normal and even healthy to have friendships outside the marriage. There could be colleagues, school/college friends, gym friends and even friends in the building that you live in, that you get along with and like to spend time together. However an emotionally intimate relationship goes beyond just friendship. You become emotionally attracted and attached to the person.

It becomes unhealthy when you find yourself doing one or more of the following things:

• Spending time with the friend becomes more important than time with your spouse. When you’re with this person you don’t answer your spouse’s calls or say you’ll call back. Given a choice between spending time with the friend and your partner, you choose your friend.
   
• You share secrets with each other. You are comfortable enough to share your life stories each other, and you share intimate details of your sexual encounters too.
   
• You look forward to spending time with your friend. He/she occupies a lot of your thoughts when you are apart and when you see a movie or listen to a new song, you think of how much he/she would have enjoyed it. When something happens in your life, you can’t wait to share it with this person.
   
• You hide the true nature of the relationship from your spouse. You underplay how important this friend is, and how much you interact. You say, “he/she is just a friend”, but you know that your spouse would not be comfortable about close you actually are.
   
• There is sexual tension in your interactions. You touch each other more than required even though the touches might be seemingly ‘casual’. You get aroused from conversations with each other, even when the conversations are not sexual.

Emotional intimacy can lead to sexual intimacy though that may not always happen. Sexual infidelity can remain a big barrier that a person maybe unwilling to cross, however exciting because of various moral/religious issues. However research shows that about 50% of the emotional affairs do lead to full blown sexual affairs. It is a slippery slope from sharing intimate details of your marriage, to sexting to actually engaging in sexual intimacy.

How is this emotional affair different from a good platonic relationship with a friend? For one, in a platonic friendship, there are no undercurrents of sexual tension. Emotional intimacy is exciting. When you spend day in and day out, year in and year out with your partner, it can get mundane and the lure of this new person, who is attractive, can be intoxicating. This is a relationship which reminds you of being in love, even without actually verbally or sexually expressing those feelings of love. Research does show the chemical changes in your brain when you are experiencing strong attraction is similar to addiction. So in reality you are addicted to the emotions you experience when you are interacting with this person, and hence to the person. However being emotionally intimate with someone other than your spouse will clearly impact your marriage.

Also, a platonic relationship does not take attention and emotional energy away from your marriage. When you are emotionally involved with another person, the energy and time you would have invested in your marriage is being spent on another person. Often the nature of the secrets shared can also leave your partner feeling betrayed and cheated.

If you do feel that you are committing emotional infidelity it might be a good time to take stock of your life and think about your own personal goals. Do you want to continue in a long-term relationship with your partner? If so, you might need to let go of this friendship. It might also be a good time to look at what emotional needs are not being met in your relationship for which you are seeking fulfillment outside. If you were to invest more in your relationship with your partner, could this change? Think about it. And if you would like to discuss it further with a trustworthy person who can give you an objective perspective, click here.