Around the ages of 9 to 11 boys experience puberty and start thinking about sexuality as well. While there may be a lot more exposure and information out there with social media and the internet, when it actually comes down to speaking to our sons about puberty and sexuality, it can feel like a difficult or awkward task. Often, the media provides a de-personalized, recreational and unrealistic standard of sex. This can lead to negative views about it. Sex in not merely a curiosity to be explored but an expression of love and a positive force. It is a way of strengthening emotional bonds between two people. While some parents do speak to daughters about puberty, boys are often missed out. Puberty involves many physical and emotional changes for boys and so it may help to speak to your son when you notice these changes.

Prepare them for expected changes: “You are growing bigger now. You may notice that you are getting a moustache, and hair on your legs and arms. You are getting taller and even getting muscles. All boys go through a growth spurt at this age, it’s quite normal. Your voice may tend to crack as its changing and growing deeper and will become more bass. Your penis and testicles will become larger because your body is changing and growing into an adult. Blood rushes to the penis and the muscles around the penis tighten to hold the extra blood, this erection can happen in the oddest of places and can be embarrassing, however it is normal. You may notice that you get wet dreams, this is because boys experience ejaculation in their sleep. Again, this is all very normal and expected because your body is growing. Some boys experience breast enlargement because of different hormones, don’t worry about this, it’s temporary and settles down quickly. You may tend to get acne or find yourself perspiring more. This is because there are different hormones in the body. Keep yourself clean and wash your body well. You can tell me if you are concerned about anything or if anything feels unusual. Let me also know when you think you need to start shaving.”

Use correct terms: While speaking to your son, use correct medical and scientific terms to describe his body, like “penis”, “testicles”. This promotes a language of health and information that one can have continued conversations in an open and adult fashion.

Use day to day situations to trigger conversations: For example, buying a larger size of clothes or underwear, treating some physical health complain like a rash or body aches and pains, can be opening points to check in on their health and how they are feeling about the changes they are experiencing. A friend or family member expecting a baby, or an advertisement on television for sanitary pads can be a chance to speak positively and naturally about growth and sexual development.

Fake comfort or confidence: It is quite normal that this becomes a difficult topic for parents. Perhaps we may have felt awkward when our own parents spoke about it or they were taboo to speak of in the family, or it became something to joke about with friends. However, children pick up and learn from parents. It may already be awkward enough for them to go through it, and can feel more when spoken about by parents. Seeing your comfort and confidence can reassure them.

Try not to overreact or attach shame: Masturbation is often a child’s first experience with sexuality. In a similar way to how infants can suck their thumbs to comfort themselves or toddlers may be prone to self-touching as a way of self-soothing. Avoid acting with anger or disgust towards your son, however help them shift focus and energy towards engaging in healthy hobbies and physical activities.

Help them to see their body as positive: Help your son see their body as something healthy, that has strength to do important things, that it has dignity and purpose. Changes that he experiences are a normal part of growing into a healthy adult. Boys experience a burst of energy and drive during puberty. You may notice that they have a lot of hobbies, are enthusiastic about sports and can get ambitious and passionate about their different interests as well. Allow them avenues like sport etc where they can channel their libido in healthy ways.

Maintain an atmosphere of continuous conversation and keep it age appropriate: You can choose to start young when speaking to your son about his body and keep building from there as he grows older. For example, you may tell a 3-year-old to put on his underwear before running out of the bathroom because his body is private. You may tell a 5-year-old not to hurt someone else and not allow others besides his parents to touch him as well. You may tell a 6-year-old to wash his penis properly as he starts to bath himself or wash himself after using the toilet. You may tell a 13-year-old that girls mature too and use sanitary napkins. You may tell a 15-year-old that a baby is born in a mother’s womb and is delivered from the vagina.

Young boys are curious to learn from their surroundings, what they are exposed to, and what they see in their own parents and close family members. Therefore, share with your son about your values around puberty and sexuality and create a space where they can discuss their difficulties and questions with you. “Sexuality is a fundamental component of personality, one of its modes of being, of manifestation, of communication with others, of feeling, of expression and of living human love”.
How a parent or caregiver responds to their son’s maturation plays an important role in helping him grow into his healthy personality and sexuality.

Do reach out to a counselor if there are concerns you would like to discuss.