Smriti and Arun are married. Arun is an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abusive when drunk. Smriti spends all her time and energy helping him get sober though he has shown no inclination to want to be sober. She puts her needs last and gives importance to his needs, often to the detriment of her health. She enables his alcoholism by covering up his binges and making excuses for him to their friends and his family. 

Kavitha is mother to an adult daughter, Tina. Kavitha is overly involved in Tina’s life, she makes all her decisions for her, even the small ones like what she wears to work. Tina is entirely dependent on her and gets anxious when she has to make decisions by herself at the workplace. Kavitha is enabling her daughter’s dependence on her by doing everything for her and not allowing to grow as an individual. 

Rhishi and Zubin are colleagues who are working together on a project. Zubin is constantly trying to take credit for the work they are doing.  Rhishi is non-confrontational, meek person felt honoured for the attention Zubin is giving him. He thought they are friends and this is what friends do – share the work.  However, Zubin is always trying to make himself look better than Rhishi and steal his ideas.

The above are examples of co-dependent relationships. Co-dependent relationships can happen in romantic relationships, friendships, between family members and even between colleagues. It happens when one person has a deep need to be needed or to ‘rescue’ an often troubled person and the other person thrives on being able to control the first person. It is characterised by one person always giving and the other person always taking. There is usually a lack of trust and respect. There is often lowered self-esteem, high fears of abandonment and a tendency to neglect one’s own needs. The co-dependent person often enables the other person’s unhealthy behaviour.

On the other hand an interdependent relationships increases the concerned individual’s self-esteem and promotes feelings of love and emotional safety in the relationship. It allows individuals to be their own separate persons, and there is a balance of dependence and independence.  Most of all, both the partners respect each other. 

A person who is co-dependent will usually:

• Find no satisfaction in life outside the other person 
• Stay in the relationship despite emotional or physical abuse
• Do anything to please the other person despite personal costs. 
• Feel constant anxiety about the relationship
• Ignore own morals or conscience to do what the other person wants. 
• Not make decisions without the approval of the other person. 
• Fear abandonment
• Enable the other person’s unhealthy behaviour. 

Breaking from a co-dependent relationship is not easy but not impossible either. It can be a very rewarding process. 

• Seek professional help. A therapist can help you identify a unhealthy relationship and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
• Set boundaries. It is important to learn to say no to other and have boundaries for all relationships. 
• Take care of yourself. Make sure that your physical and emotional needs are being met. 
• Develop own interests and hobbies. Having your own interests and hobbies will help you feel more independent and less reliant on others for your happiness. 
• Tap your social support system. Have a network of family members and friends who can help you feel supported. 
• Be patient with yourself. Breaking away from unhealthy relationship patterns is not easy and takes time. Be kind and patient with yourself.