Social beings that we are, we tend to surround ourselves with friends and enjoy the personal connections we make. We form friendships that make us feel happy, loved, understood, validated… and sometimes, we form friendships that we are better off without.

These might be friends we have had since childhood, or colleagues who we have recently met and struck up a friendship with, or someone we hang out with at the gym. But these “friends” don’t really make us feel good – here are some examples:

• They might have very different values from us, and we cannot find any middle ground.
• They focus on topics which drain us of energy, and make us feel emotionally exhausted – constantly finding fault with your partner or family, for example.
• They only focus on themselves and do not show interest in us. It’s always about them, their work, their relationships, their interests, their life…
• They say things which make us feel bad, or affect our self-esteem, even though they make it a joke. Joking about our weight, appearance, work… or things important to us.
• They often put us in situations which are physically or emotionally harmful, even if they do not mean to.
• They are extremely possessive and get upset if we do things without them knowing and approving.
• They only turn to you when they need something, and never just to have fun or spend time together.

Ideally, a healthy friendship is a give and take which brings us some measure of positivity and energy. A friendship which creates the opposite is helping nobody, neither that person, nor you.

If you find that you are usually upset or angry with a friend, or are feeling continually exhausted when you spend time with them, it helps to stop and think about why. What about them is making you feel this way? Is it something that you can discuss with them and change in the interactions?

The thought of having such difficult conversations might make one hesitate, but it is time to bring up those assertiveness skills and talk. That way, you are being fair to your friend, and giving the relationship a chance to change. And if you try and try and there is still no change, then it is in your best interests to slowly reduce your interactions with them, and cut down on your emotional investment there.

If you thought of someone particular while reading this article, or feel uncomfortable cutting off ties with some people, reach out and talk to a professional counsellor.