Sometimes I feel as though people around me just take me for granted. They don’t care about what I feel, where I want to have dinner, or how busy I am. People are just selfish and push their views on me, until I blow my lid and shout! I wish I could put my foot down and say “NO” without having big fight!

Ever felt this way? You are not alone – assertiveness isn't naturally inherited. It is a skill, and like any other skill, for example, playing the guitar or driving, it can be mastered with practice.

Lack of assertiveness can make you agree to the wishes of others even when you would rather say “NO”, making you feel low and eroding your self-confidence. Assertiveness – or the lack of it – can also be situational. Some find it easier to be assertive with friends and family, but tend to become passive in the presence of those in authority. Others are easily able to assert their views at work, but fear hurting the feelings of loved ones and become passive at home.

Being assertive does not mean hurting or rejecting others. It is a way of expressing one's opinions without disregarding or disrespecting those of others. It is a conscious decision to assert yourself positively.

Would you like to learn how to assert yourself? Read on…

1. Be polite, but firm. Stand your ground without stepping on toes.
Sample statement: I can see that you are pressed for time just now, but this has to be done by close of the work day today.

2. Accept disagreement gracefully and confidently. Agree to disagree. A difference in opinion doesn’t mean one is right and the other wrong.
Sample statement: I understand your perspective, but I beg to differ...

3. Being honest matters. Transparency and openness about your opinions, needs, principles and feelings should be communicated squarely.
Sample statement: I know you like to watch action movies, but I really don’t enjoy them. Can we watch a comedy this weekend?

4.  Active and careful listening. Avoid interrupting the other person when they are explaining something to you. Listen carefully to understand their point of view. Let them know that their conversation with you is respected.
Sample statement: From what you’ve said, I can tell that this is really important to you, but I really will not have the time to cook tonight – do you have any ideas of what we could do instead?

5. Don't blame, take ownership of your feelings. People get defensive when they are blamed. Instead state what you feel.
Sample statement: I feel disrespected when everyone is not present at the start of a meeting. Can you make sure you are on time this afternoon?

When you assert yourself, it builds self-confidence, minimizes conflict and enhances relationships on a personal and professional level.

If you’d like to fine-tune your assertive skills or have difficulty implementing any of the techniques mentioned above, do get in touch with our counsellors for personalised assistance.