While all human beings feel the emotion of anger, some people may readily show their anger, while others may not. This may be because of the external situation triggering anger, but also because of one’s particular internal style of anger expression.

When something makes you angry, do you tend to fly off the handle and blow your top off or bite the bullet and remain calm? Research has shown that there are broadly 4 styles of expressing our anger in situations of conflict.

AGGRESSIVE

When you’re angry, everyone knows it! There is a need to control the situation and you are quick to erupt.

“I’ve got to win this one!”

“I don’t care what you are feeling, this is the only way to do it!”.

The strength of an aggressive style is the ability to be strong, courageous and bring conflict out in the open quickly. The problem of this style, however, is that you may tend to respond impulsively, loudly, or too intensely, and this can leave others feeling uncomfortable, hurt or even afraid of you. It could also escalate conflict situations since it is likely to provoke a similar reaction from the other person involved, which can hurt the relationship between the two of you.

PASSIVE

You keep your anger to yourself, appearing pleasant on the outside, because you do not express what you feel. Others are likely to be comfortable with you but it may wear you out from the inside.

“Perhaps if we don’t bring it up, it will blow over”

“It’s not worth the trouble”

You may be calm on the outside and this can help de-escalate emotions in conflict and allow for a period of cooling off. The disadvantage of this style, however, is that you may feel taken for granted and have to continue to put up with unfair situations. If the conflict areas are very important and remain neglected, they may tend to grow. You may also end up feeling helpless, depressed or even physically ill.

Perhaps this style is best in a situation where the conflict is minor or not important, and the relationship with the person matters more.

PASSIVE - AGGRESSIVE

You usually do not show your anger to the person that has offended you. You express your anger indirectly, by causing problems for others, speaking behind their backs, not cooperating etc.

“Fine I give in, have it your way”

“I’ll just do whatever they want for now, but I’m not going to speak to them tomorrow onwards.”

“That’s not fair, I’ll just agree with them and say I’ll get it done today, but I’ll call in sick tomorrow and do it at my own time”

The advantage is that you can be accommodating to the other person and since you come across as likable and lovable, harmony and self-image is maintained. The disadvantage is that others around may not understand your indirect reactions and this can create mistrust, people around may feel they cannot count on you.

ASSERTIVE

You don’t take conflict personally. You take time to seek clarification before responding. You work towards sorting out disagreements and also focus on resolving the problem and attempt to prevent it from recurring.

“Let’s work out a solution together”

“If I give her this, maybe she’ll give me that”

The advantage of this style is that it maintains goals as well as the relationship and allows for intelligent solutions, compromise or a win-win situation. It requires emotional intelligence to understand the other and communication skills to express one’s own ideas.

While it can be time consuming and it requires both parties to be willing to engage, this form of expression of anger is healthy and has the most beneficial consequences for you as well as those around you.

Different situations may call for different approaches, and we can choose how to respond in a certain situation. For example, we may choose to be accommodating and let go of a comment of an aged relative, but we may choose to be assertive and find a solution with our significant other. While we may be assertive while a colleague who may be making mistakes at work, we perhaps can be passive and let go of the messes a little child makes while playing at home.

While we each may have a style of expressing anger that comes more naturally to us, perhaps based on our own temperament, personality, or what we have watched and learned whilst growing up, these are not set in stone. We can inculcate other styles of expressing our anger. We can learn the skills required to communicate and express ourselves.